11 On My Own

Yesterday I returned from work to find a package had arrived in my absence. 11 On My Own had finally arrived.

This is a book written by Kristin Luscia, a single, Catholic, mother of eleven children!

I read the book cover-to-cover last evening while my husband was out with half our children and the other half were watching a movie.

Having known Kristin for years, online, I was familiar with much of her story. I remember when Ted left her, I remarked to my husband that I was stunned. Then when I heard about Ted's girlfriend, his abandonment of his parental responsibilities both in rearing and supporting his children, and his manipulation of the court system, I was left shaking my head wondering that men like this actually exist in real life. But I did not even know the half of it.

As Kristin tells her story, some are sure to wonder if this all actually happened, it seems so impossible that a man would father so many children and yet behave so abominably. It also appears to be fallacious that the court systems could abuse a woman with so many dependents, who was abandoned by her husband, stripped of all financial assets, and even lost the home the family lived in through this abandonment!

But it is all true. I remember it all happening.

Her story is candid, she exposes her soul for the reader. I read the book and wondered how she could reveal so many intimate details, so publicly. I wondered how she could let out her deepest secrets, more than we had even realized, why she wouldn't want to leave her past in the past, let sleeping dogs lie.

Kristin doesn't have the luxury of sleeping dogs. She has pit bulls pursuing her, biting at her heels, and there are more than one. There is of course Ted, but also the guardian ad litem, the judges, some of the attorneys in the process, and even family members who are attacking.

Given all of this, a weaker woman would run and hide. But not Kristin. She doesn't hide, she finds a way to move on. She faces her battles head on and she says on her blog in an entry dated May 13, 2010, "My life has always been an open book, anyway. I never really had anything to hide. My book lays my soul and my entire existence bare, all my deep dark secrets are exposed. I like it that way. I don't lie, it's that simple. It's so much easier not to. "

The book is written in a conversational tone, much like a blog, colloquially. She has shown us the mistakes of her past, and how she pulled herself up by her bootstraps through faith, determination, and fortitude. Many have called her a religious zealot. Without faith she would have collapsed under the anguish and burden, perhaps even surrendered to despair.

This book relates a family drama which is painful, but through it all Kristin is able to keep her children happy and grounded, what all parents strive for. She admits to a litany of mistakes in her past. Her book is about divorce and how to survive it. Even if you are not going through a divorce, I would recommend reading it. Again from her blog, in response to criticism about her book, "I am not husband-bashing. Really. I simply state the facts as honestly as possible. I think people should know just what the "Justice" system does to families. Especially traditional, large, Catholic ones. And I also think people should know just what a "man" is capable of doing to his own family."

Go to Amazon and buy her book. Not only because it is an amazing and on-going true story, but because the proceeds will help support those children. And, check in with Kristin, follow the continuing events on her blog. Tell her I sent you.

Divorce takes toll on evironment, take two

Last night, I was telling my husband about my the post I wrote yesterday on this topic. Knowing my husband as I do, it was evident that he thought I was kidding when I said I posted about divorce being bad for the environment. Today, after running an errand, my husband came home with our local paper, featuring a front page article about divorce and the environment. Not to get on another rant, but our local paper ended the story with this little pearl:

"The best advice to those who are miserable together is not, however, to avoid divorce for the sake of the environment, but to find someone else as quickly as possible."

This seems to be advising people to jump from the frying pan into the fire! I cannot endorse encouraging divorce on any level, and I cannot understand telling people to rush into another relationship for the sake of the environment.

Divorce is one of those issues I cannot comprehend.

Editorial note: Be sure to read the post, "Divorce is Bad for the Environment" which is the post referred to in the first line.

Divorce is bad for the environment

Of all the reasons I could think of to remain married, this one would not come up on my top ten! What would be on my top ten list of reasons to stay married? In no particular order:
1. Marriage is a sacrament, divorce is NOT recognized by the Catholic church. To remain within the Church, you must remain married. Marriage is a VOW made before God, and it is not to be taken lightly, it is 'Until death do us part.'
2. Children deserve both parents at home. Children are a natural product of a healthy marriage. When you have a good marriage, with God at the center, you will be open to life and you will probably have children. Divorce is hard on everyone, parents of course, but can be devastating to children.
3. Divorce is emotionally draining.
4. Divorce is financially devastating.
5. Divorce is selfish, marriage is selfless. There are many divorced people in my extended family (currently, more than have remained married, and we are Catholic going back as far as we can trace our geneaology) and with one exception of abuse, most of the reasons are selfish.
Reasons I've been given, not that anyone need explain to me, yet they do, affairs (selfish), want a better provider so I can have better things (selfish), not happy (selfish), didn't love my spouse any more (selfish), cannot imagine staying with my spouse forever (huh? why did you get married? selfish), you get the idea. I don't know anyone who would say marriage is easy, always happy and always rewarding. But, over time, it has its rewards. Worst case, the rewards are not in this life but in the next. In most cases, there are more good times than bad. You just have to weather the storm. Like with any investment, there are 'market swings' and you need to hang tight and have faith. Why is marriage any different? If you say 'I deserve to be happy' I will say you are selfish. We all want to be happy, but happiness is only found through selflessness, not through selfishness.
6. Marriage is hard, but divorce is harder. If your spouse is working long hours and you are alone with the children pulling your hair out, it is still easier than trying to do it all alone. Even if you feel alone, you are never alone if you have faith, faith in yourself, faith in your spouse and, most of all, faith in God. Sometimes just giving your spouse that faith is the only thing required to get through the tough places. Reaching out, giving that leap of faith, may be all they need to 'rise to the occasion' and justify that faith, returning it to you in spades.
7. Divorce causes lonliness. Tearing yourself in half , marriage makes one therefore divorce leaves half, is lonely and painful. Friends of the couple must choose when there is a divorce. It is rare that friends remain friends all the way around.
8. Divorce causes depression. A harder life, loneliness, financial stress, unhappy children, separation from God, depression is only to be expected.
9. Divorce can make you sick. When you are sad, depressed, lonely and stressed, your immune system weakens. This is a most unfortunate occurrence as when you need strength to pick yourself up and move on, you are in your worst state of health.
10. Excepting cases of annullment, you cannot receive the Eucharist. This is really covered by number one, but this point bears repeating and deserves its own enumeration as it is so important. The inability to receive the Eucharist removes an important source of Grace.

There you have it, and nowhere on this list is the fact that divorce is bad for the environment.
Editorial note, be sure to read the post entitled, "Divorce Takes Toll on the Environment, Take Two" which is a follow up to this one.